Pale Things

Words are such pale things in comparison to what we seek to describe. But still we try, fumble with them, hoping the audience can feel our passion through the words we find. But let me go back...

Years ago I feared I would never be able to fall in love again. I remember watching movies with Monie and crying at the end, not because of sadness on the screen, but because characters were joyfully united and I thought I'd never find that happiness again in my life. Over time the fear subsided, though doubt remained. I found myself in 2 relationships during that time that lasted for a while. In each my partner said "I love you" and in each I tried so hard to feel that back...but though I came up with an overall enjoyment of their company, no fireworks. No butterflies. I thought perhaps there was just too much life between me and romance, for lack of a better word.

Then Frank came along. Quiet, unassuming, intelligent and showing signs of silliness he slipped into my life. From our first date when we ended up talking until 2 AM I knew this was different. The more we talked and spent time with each other the more I enjoyed him.

We sometimes seem to pick up where the other leaves off, we can talk about anything and everything, even attempting to solve the troubles of the world. It was bound to happen, one day I realized I was in love.

Grinning, butterfly fluttering, birds singing, skipping...love. I'm not sure I've ever felt this way before. I didn't tell him. I have never, ever been the first to say it. I didn't want to scare him or make him feel pushed into something he wasn't ready for. Eventually I couldn't keep it in...

Standing in the rain I told him I loved him, that he didn't need to say anything, I just wanted him to know. He held me close and asked "really?" I didn't need to hear it from him, I just wanted that feeling, those words, out in the world. And I knew it was special because no part of me pouted that he didn't say it back. It was a gift given expecting nothing in return.

Time passed, days grew even better to the point I didn't know how each moment became more wonderful than the next. Frank attended 2 of his sisters' weddings and I realized something else: I didn't laugh as much when he was away. I was still happy, we still talked, but that laughter we shared was absent. His homecomings were like someone turning on the sun after a long, cold night. I was shocked at my Disney-esque reaction to him, but very happy at the same time.

Then one night it happened...sitting together enjoying a warm evening he took my hand, shared a story and told me he was in love with me. He is the only man to ever make tears of joy come to my eyes, and now he's done it twice.

2007 started out rough but determined and ended in beauty and happiness, with the people I love happy and, for the first time in ages, I wasn't just happy I was joyful. New babies were on the way, houses were purchased, careers prospered, children grew, new relationships flourished. 2008 is 10 days old, may the rest of the year be as amazing as these past days.