I'm Okay
Little things at work that I used to be able to laugh off were now making my chest hurt when I talked about them, the pain becoming tension in my shoulders the longer I spoke. I could feel my first instinct becoming "no" when people asked me reasonable things, instead of my usual "let me look into it." When the chest and neck pain started I decided perhaps a trip to the doctor and perhaps a counselor were in order.
The doc confirmed my heart was fine, she suggested a counselor and gave me a prescription for those moments when the anxiety became overwhelming. Three weeks ago I met Dr. Laurie and had a good cry. I was wrong when I wrote I didn't have anything to talk about. I had the story of my Dad to tell someone who had never met him or me, had no background with either of us. And as I told stories I've told a hundred times before, I cried while I spoke. After a little over an hour of laughing and talking, crying and explaining, I was exhausted but I felt really good.
Among other things we talked about was how I think about things and cope with things. I had a list of concerns and by the time I came in for the appointment I'd pretty much resolved half of them. Like Dr. Bean before her (she's the one I spoke to after the divorce) she was a little confused by how I process things, but once she got the hang of it she felt it was pretty healthy. She asked if I'd come back so I made an appointment to see her the following Saturday.
And I had a line from a Dar Williams song stuck in my head for the rest of the day, "When I talk about therapy I know what people think, that it only makes me selfish and in love with you shrink, but oh how I loved everyone else when I finally got to talk so much about myself." You that pretty much sums it up. There is something liberating in being about to be selfish and just talk about yourself without knowing the other person has news to share that you want to hear, or had heard the stories before. Maybe it's a control thing, but it worked for me.
When I got home I filled Frank in on what we talked about and returned a call from Mom and told her about it as well. One session inspired a lot of talking and story telling, kind of neat. I felt pretty good, pretty whole and real again, though as I said, exhausted. All I wanted was a nap, but I had class with the puppy then we were off to the Game and Grill. A busy day.
The following week was great. I had my patience back and felt like I was in control. And no chest pain! When I saw Dr. Laurie on Saturday I told her all this and I continued to tell stories. Stories about me, my family, Frank and my friends too- how we relate and take care of each other. Okay, there was a little bragging there. As positive as the week had been we both agreed another session would be a good idea, just in case the next week wasn't so great.
And you know what? Last week was a definite challenge. There is a manager in my office that I don't report to, he's part of a separate group from my engineering group. It's a long story, but basically it boiled down to him screwing up with a new hire then telling me not to do my job when I attempted to help the new guy. His group has it's own admin, but she's in Massachusetts and the larger issue was he told the guy to start at 9 and he didn't stroll in until 10:45. Adding insult to injury was the lack of respect he showed me. I think of him as a chauvinist who gives lip service to trying not to be one, but fails and doesn't really care. He's commented how time was I'd be bringing him coffee. Nice. Anyhow, my engineering manager caught wind of the issue and offered to speak with the other manager, but I told him I was capable of talking to him about it myself, if I needed back up I'd let him know. When the manager got in he blamed everyone for the mix up but himself and told me he had everything he needed to get the new guy started and I verified there was nothing he needed me to do. Nope, he had it all under control.
At the end of the day the poor new guy came up to me and said his manager told him I had paperwork for him to sign. Nope. I sent him back to the manager but promised I wouldn't let this issue interfere with his paycheck. My day ends at 5 and at 5:03 my phone rang with the manager's extension. I ignored it and left to read in a conference room until Frank came to pick me up. The next day the manager came up to my desk and wanted to make sure I wasn't upset because I thought he was mad at me because he wasn't. I very professionally informed him I didn't think he was mad at me, but that I was upset with him. When he asked I explained why and he apologized. Yes, he's still snarky but I've made my position clear. And I no longer play nice and pitch in when it isn't strictly necessary. The nice part is that my boss has my back.
But the big deal here is that I didn't loose my temper, I was professional and patient. And okay, I took a bit of pleasure in saying no. All this made me feel like I was in a good place. I related the story to Dr. Laurie on our last appointment and we agreed I was coping fine and in a good head space, and unless something happened I didn't need to come back. She was cute, she asked if I'd thought about talking to others about how I deal with things. I don't do anything special I told her, its just me. She told me I was unique, I told her if she met my friends and husband she'd see I wasn't. And then she scolded me for not taking a compliment. I thought about it and then told her I take compliments when I feel they are deserved. Complimenting me on how I reason out things is like me complimenting her on being a brunette: It's a part of me, nothing learned or worked for. I think she finds me intriguing, which makes me laugh. Of all the people in my life I think I'm the least interesting, but I guess to people outside that circle we must all be pretty rare creatures. How very cool!
So the logic wall has been climbed and I no longer feel bad when I tell people I don't miss my dad (and yes, people actually ask). I have all the best parts of him and those will always be mine. I think about him and I smile, because I know he loves me and knew how much I loved him. No surprises, just pleasant reminders of an amazing man. And feeling that way isn't weird, it's just how I am and that is just fine.
The doc confirmed my heart was fine, she suggested a counselor and gave me a prescription for those moments when the anxiety became overwhelming. Three weeks ago I met Dr. Laurie and had a good cry. I was wrong when I wrote I didn't have anything to talk about. I had the story of my Dad to tell someone who had never met him or me, had no background with either of us. And as I told stories I've told a hundred times before, I cried while I spoke. After a little over an hour of laughing and talking, crying and explaining, I was exhausted but I felt really good.
Among other things we talked about was how I think about things and cope with things. I had a list of concerns and by the time I came in for the appointment I'd pretty much resolved half of them. Like Dr. Bean before her (she's the one I spoke to after the divorce) she was a little confused by how I process things, but once she got the hang of it she felt it was pretty healthy. She asked if I'd come back so I made an appointment to see her the following Saturday.
And I had a line from a Dar Williams song stuck in my head for the rest of the day, "When I talk about therapy I know what people think, that it only makes me selfish and in love with you shrink, but oh how I loved everyone else when I finally got to talk so much about myself." You that pretty much sums it up. There is something liberating in being about to be selfish and just talk about yourself without knowing the other person has news to share that you want to hear, or had heard the stories before. Maybe it's a control thing, but it worked for me.
When I got home I filled Frank in on what we talked about and returned a call from Mom and told her about it as well. One session inspired a lot of talking and story telling, kind of neat. I felt pretty good, pretty whole and real again, though as I said, exhausted. All I wanted was a nap, but I had class with the puppy then we were off to the Game and Grill. A busy day.
The following week was great. I had my patience back and felt like I was in control. And no chest pain! When I saw Dr. Laurie on Saturday I told her all this and I continued to tell stories. Stories about me, my family, Frank and my friends too- how we relate and take care of each other. Okay, there was a little bragging there. As positive as the week had been we both agreed another session would be a good idea, just in case the next week wasn't so great.
And you know what? Last week was a definite challenge. There is a manager in my office that I don't report to, he's part of a separate group from my engineering group. It's a long story, but basically it boiled down to him screwing up with a new hire then telling me not to do my job when I attempted to help the new guy. His group has it's own admin, but she's in Massachusetts and the larger issue was he told the guy to start at 9 and he didn't stroll in until 10:45. Adding insult to injury was the lack of respect he showed me. I think of him as a chauvinist who gives lip service to trying not to be one, but fails and doesn't really care. He's commented how time was I'd be bringing him coffee. Nice. Anyhow, my engineering manager caught wind of the issue and offered to speak with the other manager, but I told him I was capable of talking to him about it myself, if I needed back up I'd let him know. When the manager got in he blamed everyone for the mix up but himself and told me he had everything he needed to get the new guy started and I verified there was nothing he needed me to do. Nope, he had it all under control.
At the end of the day the poor new guy came up to me and said his manager told him I had paperwork for him to sign. Nope. I sent him back to the manager but promised I wouldn't let this issue interfere with his paycheck. My day ends at 5 and at 5:03 my phone rang with the manager's extension. I ignored it and left to read in a conference room until Frank came to pick me up. The next day the manager came up to my desk and wanted to make sure I wasn't upset because I thought he was mad at me because he wasn't. I very professionally informed him I didn't think he was mad at me, but that I was upset with him. When he asked I explained why and he apologized. Yes, he's still snarky but I've made my position clear. And I no longer play nice and pitch in when it isn't strictly necessary. The nice part is that my boss has my back.
But the big deal here is that I didn't loose my temper, I was professional and patient. And okay, I took a bit of pleasure in saying no. All this made me feel like I was in a good place. I related the story to Dr. Laurie on our last appointment and we agreed I was coping fine and in a good head space, and unless something happened I didn't need to come back. She was cute, she asked if I'd thought about talking to others about how I deal with things. I don't do anything special I told her, its just me. She told me I was unique, I told her if she met my friends and husband she'd see I wasn't. And then she scolded me for not taking a compliment. I thought about it and then told her I take compliments when I feel they are deserved. Complimenting me on how I reason out things is like me complimenting her on being a brunette: It's a part of me, nothing learned or worked for. I think she finds me intriguing, which makes me laugh. Of all the people in my life I think I'm the least interesting, but I guess to people outside that circle we must all be pretty rare creatures. How very cool!
So the logic wall has been climbed and I no longer feel bad when I tell people I don't miss my dad (and yes, people actually ask). I have all the best parts of him and those will always be mine. I think about him and I smile, because I know he loves me and knew how much I loved him. No surprises, just pleasant reminders of an amazing man. And feeling that way isn't weird, it's just how I am and that is just fine.
Labels: Dad
posted by Liz @ 9:16 PM
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